19. Does Marriage Kill Love?

Within every catchy pop-culture internet meme there's a kernel of a universal truth.  In their next few podcasts Avrum and Lorna will focus on one currently trending meme to dissect truth from truthiness (thank you Stephen Colbert) using the lens of Bowen theory.

This week:

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Both spouses long for closeness but closeness results in fusion of the two “pseudo-selfs” into a “common self,” with obliteration of ego boundaries between them and loss to individuality ot the “common self.”  To avoid the anxiety of fusion, they keep sufficient emotional distance, called the “emotional divorce,” for each to maintain as much “pseudo-self” as possible.
— Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice., p. 125
  • "When people say they've "grown apart," the problem is they're really too fused, too attached to be comfortable anymore."
  • "It hasn't always been that there's so much weight on the dyad."

  • "There's meaning behind the tough times."

  • "Any fantasy that I can get out of this and start anew, that I won't be in a similar spot at some point, is just a fantasy."

Send your favorite memes to be poked and prodded by Lorna and Avrum on air:  lornahechtmft@gmail.com or (your email)




Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. New York: J. Aronson.

Nadigel, A. (2015). Learning to commit: The best time to work on your marriage is when you're single. International Self-Counsel Press.

Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. New York: W.W. Norton.